I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
