I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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