Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
