WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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