there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
