some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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