dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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