she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
