I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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