i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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