By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
