Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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