Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
