Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
