My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
