Moan for me like Helen Keller
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
