jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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