checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
