***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
