I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think my fart just growled at me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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