im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
