I want to make a zoo with you.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
