you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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