We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
