Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
