So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
And then my night got REAL pukey
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
