jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
