You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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