I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
