I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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