I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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