My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
