Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
