saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
