Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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