Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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