Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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