after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
