So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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