Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
