I molested 6 butterflies tonight
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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