your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
