I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
