I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
