I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
