mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
