YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
