Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
