my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
