so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
