Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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